A Vent Sesh: Boys Need Serious Help With Their Instagrams

Okay boys, I’ve just about had enough of your poorly executed Instagrams. They’re embarrassing, and something need to be done. How in god’s name am I supposed to show my friends how hot you are, if your pictures are dated as far back as when Aaron Carter was a thing? It’s nonsense.

I was trying to show my friend at work how hot this kid that I grew up with was, and I literally had to pretend like his Instagram was private because that’s how horrible his photos were. Imagine his whole feed is just super poor quality pictures of him and his boys all holding up “#1″…
Who TF is #1? You all are? Your squad is? Did you just win a f*cking game of kickball together? Cut it out.

Or, boys’ entire Instagram feed is filled with pictures of them posing with one or two guys standing shoulder to shoulder, chests out, trying not to be obvious about flexing their biceps as hard as they can with their arms crossed. We see right the f*ck through you, bro. We know you’re not that #swoll in person.

LOL or my personal favorite- let’s talk about the “light skin selfie”
(I didn’t make this up, BTW, one of my friends guilty of posting the light skin selfie made it up) Now this can be either clothed or shirtless, but it’s almost always shirtless. They’ll take a selfie next to a window, in their car, or their mirror- for the lighting of course- and F L E X their biceps with a face that looks just like the one your mom gave you when she told you how disappointed she was when you showed up hungover as hell for Church on Sunday. Usually it’s only half their face with their the trap poppin’ out the corner, or they’re shirtless in the mirror showing off their skinny pack/ some gucci gang looking outfit they just got? Enough is enough.

I mean, the widely uncomfortable poses I guess we can work with, but it’s the filters guys chose that really get me. I want need to know what in the world came over them that made them think “Yeah, 100% clarity looks great!” It’s getting out of control.

I’m not here to insult you guys though, I’m only here to help, so with that said I’ll tell you boys a couple ways to fix your f*cking Instagrams.

First off, stop posing with any type of hand pointing, “gang” symbol, any of that shit. You want a pic with your squad? Go right ahead, but the picture will be just as good, if not, better, if you all stand with a genuine smile on your face like you actually like each other? If you want to go the more serious route, by all means do it, but keep your fingers in your pocket or behind your friends back- whatever, just keep them out of the picture, ok?

Next, stop editing your pictures. 9/10 you guys have no idea what the f*ck you’re doing and you’re ruining the photo. If you’re dying to have it edited that bad, find a girl you trust and ask her to do it for you. Turning up the saturation, contrast, exposure, clarity, grain, fade, and adding the world’s ugliest Instagram featured filter is such a rookie move/ doing absolutely nothing for you dude.

Another thing we get annoyed at is the amount of pictures you post of random shit, except your face. You playing sports? Cool, okay fine I can handle that, but if I count more than 3 in a row there’s a problem. But the pictures of food, your snowboard, your new watch, your toe, your shoes- is that necessary on your IG? No. That’s what Snap stories are for. Cut it out.

Speaking of stories, do you guys know what stories are used for? Cause I don’t think you do. Snap stories are more casual, for a quick glimpse at what you and your friends are doing while you’re drunk, or something funny that happened in a group chat, or selfie even. Instagram stories are for more artsy, i’m-the-shit kind of moments that happen. You get a bottle of Moet to your table? Instagram story. Your boy is passed out drunk and you guys are f*cking with him? Snapchat story. See the difference?
So please, boys, stop posting the same exact thing on both platforms. We saw it already, nobody except the girl you’re most likely leading on actually gives that much of a shit that much to see it again.
And don’t you dare post it as an actual IG photo, too…

Men Boys, please take this into consideration the next time you open your Instagram app. Maybe a half decent looking girl will actually answer your DM’s this time! Good luck.

Love Goggles


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