I’m not one to get sappy or sensitive, it’s not exactly my thing, but there’s a first for everything, right? And writing this helps me out so I don’t keep it bottled up inside and accidentally flip out on my mom or something lol.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I think I am damaged. Or have serious daddy issues. Or both. And I’ll tell you why.
The past couple years I’ve been in and out of these weird relationship-type things and they’ve really screwed with my head. I already have no effing clue what I’m doing when it comes to boys, so right when I think I do, and everything going great, the universe laughs at me and royally f*cks it up, and it’s making me become one of those paranoid girls that over thinks everything. Make it stop!!!
My love goggles can be bad, though, I can’t blame it all on the universe. I’ll spot like 10 bright red flags in the first couple conversations with someone but still look past it adoringly like “I can love you through the fact you just killed someone, it’s gunna be okay.” Lol how messed up is that?
So, some of it is definitely on me, but other parts can also be blamed on my past, too. Like everyone, I would say I’m a wee bit #damaged.
I’m so used to being attracted to men that are emotionally unavailable, leave, or lead me on with empty promises because that’s what I’ve experienced with the only man that should have showed me how I should be treated in my life, my father. So in all these years of me chasing these shit heads around town and watching them leave me in the dust for some hoe wearing biker shorts to the bar like she’s Kim fucking K, it’s become an expectation that every single one of them is going to be like that, and I’ll only end up in a half-ass relationship, have a mediocre wedding and pop out kids I semi-hate?
That’s so dark and twisty but these thoughts will storm across my mind and I need to get them out so just go with it, okay? Thank u, next.
So. For example. I’ve been seeing this amazing guy. He’s tall, super hot, muscular, loves to travel, loves to be spontaneous and adventurous. He’s a little mysterious, super interesting. Basically everything I want wrapped into a shiny sex-god-like bow. But, here’s the catch, I’m so scared of him. It’s like he’s too good to be true. Like, something is wrong with him, and I can’t put my finger on it.
Or is there nothing wrong, and this is the universe giving me the chance to actually be happy? I don’t know?
In the back of my sick twisted brain I’m like “Shit, I slept with him. He’ll never talk to me again.” “He knows he’s too hot for me, he’ll find someone better.” “What’s the point of texting him, if he won’t text back?”
Whyyyyy am i like this?
It’s honestly exhausting because my mind is racing all these horrible negative things most of the time, and I make myself believe that they’re true. This guy might actually be really into me and I’m over here thinking “Everything he’s saying is a lie, don’t believe him” when he’s complimenting me, instead of just enjoying his presence like I should be doing.
Does anyone else have this issue?
Is anyone else as damaged as me that they can’t get themselves to just… be.
I told myself my New Year’s Resolution was going to be to “Be where my feet are.” Which means don’t think too much to the future, don’t think about the past, don’t over analyze the present, just be. I was doing pretty good at that for a while, but I was so hurt from how I was treated in my last talking phase man, that now I can’t seem to shake the thought that something bad is going to happen with this boy.
Universe. God. My dog that died when I was 7. Whoever is up there looking over the well being of me and my vagine, please don’t let this be another test of how much dumb shit I can go through. I’ve gone through enough, don’t you think?
Anyone have any advice on how to, idk, not be such a pussy ass bitch? Let me know. Please. I’m begging.